I won't lie and say waiting has been easy or fun, but as the desire of my heart has been to remain in the center of His will, I'm making it through. The canyon still needs to be crossed, hence, I am still waiting on this side of the world, anticipating when and where I will eventually serve on Mercy Ships.
In full confidence I can see how the Lord has purposed this time of waiting thus far. Since finding out Mercy Ships would not be traveling to Benin, the Lord has worked on my heart a good bit. I've been reading a book a friend gave me last Christmas, "Prodigal God" by Tim Keller. The book has revealed sin that has inhabited my heart for several years now. I've sought forgiveness from my Lord and experienced glorious freedom from that part of my life.
This week, I found out I may not be leaving for Africa when I thought I would be leaving, again. I immediately felt a wave of panic fall over me (Gosh, any chance the enemy gets to worm his way into my thoughts, he takes the opportunity). One of my favorite music artists, Josh Garrels, has a song titled "Pilot Me." I find myself singing the lyrics often. It's a short song, but repeats "Savior, pilot me," several times. Luckily, this song has been stuck in my head for the past several days- so what a great reminder I've had to counteract the enemy.
That being said, the Father has known what I wanted this experience to look like. I wanted to end my job at the hospital a month before I left, have some time to relax and be with friends before I would depart for 7 months. Financially I would be set and sent off to Africa. Nuh-uh, that is not the way my flight has taken off. I've had to slowly realize and come to terms with who the real Pilot is. I've had to realize I don't even get the title of co-pilot either. I am straight up passenger, without rights to enter the cockpit.
But how capable is my God to handle this take off? Why would I even want to attempt to take control out of the hands of my almighty and sovereign Pilot? He knew that path the Israelites would take out of Egypt before they even set one foot on their journey. He knew the Red Sea would be parted at the 11th hour when the Egyptians would be right on their tails. God knew He was going to make them travel for 40 years when their trip should have been 10 days. And He remained the same loving God through it all.
My journey has already been laid out. When my plans don't go as expected, it doesn't mean God isn't any less faithful, it just shows me how selfish I am. I frequently remind myself my job isn't to pilot, it's simply to walk and be obedient. The Lord knows where I want to end up, but He's the one who decides how and when I get there. Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord established his steps."
"When I have no more strength left to follow, Savior pilot me."
The recent developments of the Ebola virus in West Africa have thrown a bit of a rock in my plans. Mercy Ships is no longer leaving according to schedule, my service dates, along with most other volunteers I presume, will change. I'm at home until I get further direction.
During one of my quiet times recently, I was crying out to the Lord through deep emotion. I like to pray in visions sometimes, and this time took the scene of a long road trip, it represented the most recent chapter of my life.
Since graduating college and moving back home to start a job at the local hospital to pay off student loans and get some nursing experience, my "drive" has been smooth. It certainly felt like I was driving through some torrential rain at times, made me pull off to the side of the road, question if this was the road I wanted to continue pursuing. Sitting on the side of the road during torrential rain gives you some time to collect thoughts, mutter some frustrations, sing to some songs on the radio, appreciate the rain and its benefits and sometimes wish the rain would just pass already so one could get to sunnier skies. That's exactly what I did with the Lord; there were times of praise, frustrations and just begging Him to move me on to something else.
Needless to say, I learned some importance lessons in those downpours. I learned the Lord loves to hear from me. I learned patience not only with myself, but with people. I learned the Lord walks with me whether I invite Him next to me or not. He is so faithful.
After finishing my work at the hospital in preparation for traveling to the Mercy Ship, I'd say my road trip has been pleasant. Fundraising was great, the Lord answered with abundant support. I got to spend quality time with my sister and her boyfriend, tend to my garden, pickle cucumbers for the first time, I participated in one of my best friend's wedding- I've had it great waiting in anticipation for my new and thrilling next adventure.
My sunny skies and clear road haven't gone away, but I've proceeded to a segment of road where there's a canyon. The only way to cross the canyon is by bridge, and in my current situation the bridge has been destroyed. I'm not starting with Mercy Ships as previously planned. Don't get me wrong, the view still remains beautiful, but now I am faced with the frustrating situation of figuring my way over the canyon, and I am frantic. Looking up to the Lord I don't know if He will rebuild this bridge, if my car is going to sprout wings and I'll soar over the canyon or whether He's just waiting for me to calm down long enough to tell me there's a plane He's hidden in the woods for me to use.
The Lord recently answered one of my questions I had begged of Him with "Just wait." But how true does that ring to my current aggravation? It's like He knew I would be asking Him again "What do I do right now?" God's sense of humor gets me every time, what a knee slapper.
There are a lot of things I was looking forward to leaving in Virginia at the end of August. New and old struggles, some things I would like time apart from. But my plan of peacefully crossing the bridge is gone, I need the Lord to dictate what's next. I need the Lord to purpose my days until I get to leave. I need the Lord to provide for me financially again until I leave, I need more patience for the struggles that I'm facing emotionally, I need to trust that I'll be okay today, because Daddy has already figured out all those answers.
The day before I received the news I wouldn't be leaving according to plan, a special friend gave me a verse the Lord had put on their heart regarding another trying situation that had happened. Helping me realize the Lord's presence in my life Hosea 2:14 says "I want to draw Emily away and speak tenderly to her. I want to call her out of her woundedness and restore her heart. (obviously a little adapted)" In addition they also gave me Psalm 40:2,3 "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, and hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in The Lord."
I'm quieted when I realize the kind of Dad I am in the presence of. He knows how bad I want to get across the canyon, but I'm believing He has more in store for me as I work with Him and learn His ways through the plan He has already set in motion. He took me to Proverbs 15 today and it says in vs 32 "If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding."
Needless to say, He's got my attention, I'm ready to learn and be refined.
While spending time in quiet prayer one morning about a month ago, I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to journal to the question "Why am I going on Mercy Ships?" I realized I had been talking to a lot of people about this exciting new time in my life, and I was getting so passionate about explaining everything Mercy Ships does, how impressive the ship is, and the types of things I would be doing while working on the ship- all good things mind you, but I never really got to the heart of why I, Emily, was going on this adventure or what the Lord was stirring in my heart. This is was my response to my question the Holy Spirit prompted at such a vital time.
"I love to help people. (Don't worry, that's not my whole answer)
There are so many people that can't help themselves in Africa, they don't have the finances to, let alone the resources.
Jesus helped me when I could not help myself. He came to earth as God in human form to die for people who scorned Him. Yet He went through it anyway. He died, defeated death, rose up and made a way for us to have eternal life.
Mercy Ships is a small way to show a similar grace to these people in Benin. They don't have any other way out of their disease or deformity. They are at the mercy of doctors who have made it possible for them to be cured or treated and there's no way they could ever repay them monetarily in this world.
That is mercy and that is grace. I want to serve with Mercy Ships because Jesus' example is personified in what goes on there. It's only by the Lord's will that any of this proceeds, and volunteers can serve and people can be healed. I am excited to go and be in the midst of this physical healing, but more so for the chance to be part of their emotional and spiritual healing. We may not all have physical deformities, but we are all broken and deformed on the inside without Christ. That is where only the Great Physician can bring ultimate full body healing and freedom."
Since writing this entry, I have approached my chances to talk to people about Mercy Ships differently. My desire is for Christ to be at the center of this journey, and I can only do that if I walk in the center of His will from the very beginning, from today, before I even leave.
My heart is in need of some transformation, some humility. My prayer is to seek justice, love mercy and to walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8). I am thankful He never gives up on me, that He remains faithful when I am faithless. I have growing to do, but I can rest peacefully knowing my Daddy is glad to enter into this adventure with me. There is likely to be difficult terrain, dry spells in the wilderness and evils that I never fathomed existed, BUT the Lord is mighty and He is my fortress and He tells me to rest in Him, for He will conquer my enemies and defeat those who try to defeat me. What a Father I get to walk with.
