Adjusting to life at sea

We are about halfway through our sail to Madagascar, estimated to arrive early Saturday morning, so about midnight on Friday for all my east coast friends.  Ship life has definitely taken some getting used to.  We’ve recently hit some rougher swells; chairs have slid across the room, people’s food swept right out from under them mid-bite.  I will say if you can find a good chair and blanket, the rocking does make for a very peaceful nap.  It almost takes you back to child hood where you got rocked to sleep like a baby.   It’s always cold on the ship, and I did not expect that to be the case, thus I did not prepare well.  I have also prayed for the Lord to provide me with a sweatshirt or sweatpants, and I believe He will give them to me in due time. He knows what I need.

Nursing orientation has been going on all week.  We’re learning the procedures and protocol for the wards and I’m pretty sure everyone is itching to get to Madagascar already.  I just found out that I will be part of Ward B, performing orthopedic surgeries first, then plastics, then VVF (vesico-vaginal fistulas) later on in the field service.  Today we had a general overview of all the surgical procedures we will see on the wards, it was so gratifying to finally talk nursing language again.  It’s been over 2 and ½ months since I’ve worked.

Physically I am doing much better, sea sickness has been manageable, I rarely do anything in my cabin, as it is very tiny and claustrophobic at times.  My bunk mate and I attempted exercising a bit on the 2^nd deck on the bicycle machines, and let’s just say we created our own “ride in the park” with all the swells and dips the ship took.

Emotionally, I had to make some adjustments to my quiet times, as there aren't many private places on the ship to go to for complete quiet. My prayer life has been something I have devoted extra effort to, and I’m seeing fruit.  My time talking with Him is getting longer, sweeter, more personal and intimate.  The community here is continually praying, so luckily it’s part of the culture of the ship.

I’ll share one of my favorite moments so far, then I’ll stop writing.

One of the first nights we were sailing, some friends decided to go out to the stern (the back of the ship).  Several people had some great knowledge of the constellations already and the night was incredibly clear.  We could see everything imaginable: Mars, the Southern Cross, Alpha and Beta, Scorpio, Antarsis (?), the Milky Way, the Clouds of Magellan, even a few quick shooting stars.  It was beyond fascinating.  That was the first time I had been outside to look up at the stars and witness the Southern Hemisphere night sky.  The stars were so much more gripping than anything I’ve seen back home, and no doubt it had much to do with being in the middle of the ocean, untouched by city lights.

Anyway, we spent a good 30-40 minutes up there before people wanted to go inside.  As some straggled away, I asked if anyone wanted to stay and pray with me.  I was so overcome with the fact that this moment was incredibly special, I had no other option but to stand in awe and praise.  The ones that hadn’t gone in stayed out with me, and I just started praying while gazing at the stars and the galaxy that had the Lord’s name written all over it.  The three others that were with me prayed as well, one spoke in her native German language- it was glorious, knowing our Daddy knew every word she said, as clearly as I heard my other sisters praying in English.  As one of us was praying, I had lowered my eyes, I heard the girl next to me gasp!  I opened my eyes and witnessed the BRIGHTEST, SHINIEST  orange shooting star go across the sky.  I can still picture it.  It was one of those moments you immediately feel the Lord’s presence magnify exponentially and your heart becomes so overcome you can do nothing but be silent and stilled.

God showed the four of us an amazing sight, and He didn’t have to.  I did not have the best day emotionally, and He seriously gave me the best “pick me up” hug imaginable.  God has incredible things set for this field service.  The days leading up to it have been challenging, but He’s also led me back to Romans 5:3 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And this hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us.”

Indeed, though my suffering may only be emotional and a little physical right now, God’s spirit is at work, and His love never fails.  I can rest in knowing I am being prepared to persevere and build my character which will grow hope.  I can feel this hope will be imperative once we get to our dock.  I have no idea what lies before us, but I know it will be more challenging than anything I’ve ever faced.  We’ve been getting briefings on the culture of Madagascar and the place we will docked is known for being a “sexual getaway” for many foreigners.  There is definitely a power not of the Lord at work there.  The nurses and the rest of the crew are dedicated to working in the Spirit, prayerfully preparing our hearts to love and contribute whatever we can to the people of Madagascar.  God is in ultimate control and I didn’t come here to leave the same person.

Stepping off of my front porch and into Cape Town

My time on Mercy Ships so far has already been one I will never forget.  From falling asleep with a smile on my face the first night, to climbing Table Mountain watching the sunset, to hiking back down in the dark with flashlights, visiting Robben Island where Nelson Mandela was imprisoned and also visiting Simon Town to see the penguins on the beach; and I’m only on Day 3!

P.S. that's a town at the bottom of the hill, right on the ocean.  It just looks like rocks from how high we were.

I remember beginning preparation for this trip back in May and my goal was to approach this experience starting on my knees in prayer and petition for the Lord to move His mighty hand in the place we would be going.  I knew I would be nothing without the Lord and needed Him to go before me.  I also prayed through the verses regarding seeking justice, loving mercy and walking humbly with our God, along with Jesus’ great commission to his disciples.

Those ideals have already been difficult to maintain, and we haven’t even started our field service.  Only having several days to experience Cape Town before we leave, it’s been a rush to go out and explore different things.  All are good things, but going apart from the Lord has taken a toll on me.

I finally was able to devote some time to spend with the Lord on Day 2 of being on the ship, which was when I was able to email all my supporters back home.  Just being able to get all my emotions and joys and worries on paper and process while I prayed was incredibly calming; the Lord is so abundant when He offers His grace.

So I thought I would share some of my realizations.

-Taking the first steps away from my family and really cutting the cord for the first time ever was so gut wrenching, but I could sense the Lord immediately catch me and spur me on.  It felt right.  I stepped off the ledge and chose not to panic and flail and grasp for anything that would slow my fall.  God was faithful and went with me.

-Family has developed a deeper meaning for me.  Seeing real and abundant tears from my sisters, hearing the prayers that were prayed over me before we left for the airport was a new level of the Spirit I hadn’t witnessed before.  There was deep turmoil behind their voices, but each one still voluntarily and gladly lifted me up and let me go.  I was leaving something I knew very well and loved and was comfortable with and enjoyed, to go to something that was unknown.  That was only possible because of the Holy Spirit doing a mighty work in me.

-There is a big, BIG, BIG world out there, bigger than my little life in VA.  There are so many people in this world; older people that travel to African countries for vacation, or to visit their siblings for the first time in their 70’s, people that come out of Senegal that speak such interesting languages, people whose hearts are corrupt and talk down about people that are white because they think we don’t care about black people and we never will. 

-I realized some people still have passion and I crave to be around it and talk about it and learn from it.  I realized how devoid the world is of passion that is righteous and how any passion apart from righteousness is worldly and tainted no matter how good or moral.

-I’ve realized how unique God is: geologically and culturally.  Africa looks so different from anything I’ve ever seen, but yet His fingerprint remains- in how vastly large the mountains are, in the sea lions that play and flip in the harbor, in the way the sun sets on this side of the earth, in how totally small I am, but yet still so loved and seen by a huge God.

Sea Lions tired from playing

-I've realized how quickly I tend to turn my circumstances on myself.  This is really the first time I've sat down to process and let the Lord do work.  My original mantra was coming on this journey starting on my knees in humility, praying and petitioning for the Lord’s hand to move mightily.  So far, I’ve done some things out of selfish ambition to experience Cape Town so I have something to talk about, instead of letting the Lord take precedent and then having Him reveal Himself in whatever activities I get into. 

GOD ALWAYS COMES FIRST

Where I have messed up, there is grace.  My mess-ups aren't my master, I am covered.  In this grace I’m allowed to stand.  I don’t have to cower or lie down or work to regain my salvation.  I stand and there is great confidence in standing in grace.

Pep talk

Disclaimer: Pardon my evident softball nostalgia in this post. 

God is by far the best Coach ever.  These past couple weeks, I've been in need of some pep talks, especially when I've felt like the pressure of this trip has become overwhelming, or I have doubts swarming around me telling me I'm not a good enough nurse, or I'm not experienced enough, or I won't make friends, or I'm going to get lost in an airport somewhere. As silly as some of them sound, they have legitimately struck fear and I have been at war with these lies.

But! 

Like our faithful God, He comes through in our time of need.  Like a good Coach, He's let me work through some anxiety attacks (I've prayed Phil 4:6-7 a lot lately), sometimes coming out successful and other times learning my lesson of what to do next time. Like a good Coach, He speaks at the opportune time, giving me a pep talk that I've craved for the past couple innings and now I'm desperate to hear Him speak.

One quote that has left me with stamina to continue through was from a friend who encouraged me with a saying by Paul Tripp.

"He [God] loves me enough to take me where I would have never wanted to go in order to produce in me what I never could have achieved on my own."

Bam!

My feet are resettled, my heart renewed and swept over in peace.  My vow to surrender my life in full obedience has been reestablished and reminded me that my life really isn't my own. The day I accepted Christ and handed over my life meant I would go through situations that wouldn't look the way I wanted. It meant I would be made uncomfortable, it meant I would experience difficult situations, it meant I would face choices that would make me choose between my family, my friends, my comforts in order to follow Jesus. But the settling fact that I get to remember is that my Coach wins the game.  Ultimately, no matter how dire things look, no matter how stressed I become, my Coach doesn't desert His team. He fights for His players, He avenges the poor calls by the umpire, and He comes out victorious. 

Though I may be a very small player in the game, I choose to trust my Coach.  The experience I am about to embark on is so much bigger than me and it would be selfish to try to make this all about my wants and needs.  Being placed in situations where we are uncomfortable tend to be the places we grow and stretch the most.  I'm so ready to go there. 

Pilot Me

I won't lie and say waiting has been easy or fun, but as the desire of my heart has been to remain in the center of His will, I'm making it through. The canyon still needs to be crossed, hence, I am still waiting on this side of the world, anticipating when and where I will eventually serve on Mercy Ships.

In full confidence I can see how the Lord has purposed this time of waiting thus far. Since finding out Mercy Ships would not be traveling to Benin, the Lord has worked on my heart a good bit. I've been reading a book a friend gave me last Christmas, "Prodigal God" by Tim Keller.  The book has revealed sin that has inhabited my heart for several years now.  I've sought forgiveness from my Lord and experienced glorious freedom from that part of my life.

This week, I found out I may not be leaving for Africa when I thought I would be leaving, again. I immediately felt a wave of panic fall over me (Gosh, any chance the enemy gets to worm his way into my thoughts, he takes the opportunity).  One of my favorite music artists, Josh Garrels, has a song titled "Pilot Me."  I find myself singing the lyrics often. It's a short song, but repeats "Savior, pilot me," several times.  Luckily, this song has been stuck in my head for the past several days- so what a great reminder I've had to counteract the enemy.

Josh Garrels "Pilot me"

That being said, the Father has known what I wanted this experience to look like. I wanted to end my job at the hospital a month before I left, have some time to relax and be with friends before I would depart for 7 months. Financially I would be set and sent off to Africa.  Nuh-uh, that is not the way my flight has taken off. I've had to slowly realize and come to terms with who the real Pilot is.  I've had to realize I don't even get the title of co-pilot either.  I am straight up passenger, without rights to enter the cockpit.



But how capable is my God to handle this take off? Why would I even want to attempt to take control out of the hands of my almighty and sovereign Pilot? He knew that path the Israelites would take out of Egypt before they even set one foot on their journey. He knew the Red Sea would be parted at the 11th hour when the Egyptians would be right on their tails. God knew He was going to make them travel for 40 years when their trip should have been 10 days.  And He remained the same loving God through it all.

My journey has already been laid out. When my plans don't go as expected, it doesn't mean God isn't any less faithful, it just shows me how selfish I am.  I frequently remind myself my job isn't to pilot, it's simply to walk and be obedient. The Lord knows where I want to end up, but He's the one who decides how and when I get there.  Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord established his steps."

"When I have no more strength left to follow, Savior pilot me."

Forging a new bridge

The recent developments of the Ebola virus in West Africa have thrown a bit of a rock in my plans. Mercy Ships is no longer leaving according to schedule, my service dates, along with most other volunteers I presume, will change. I'm at home until I get further direction.

During one of my quiet times recently, I was crying out to the Lord through deep emotion. I like to pray in visions sometimes, and this time took the scene of a long road trip, it represented the most recent chapter of my life.

Since graduating college and moving back home to start a job at the local hospital to pay off student loans and get some nursing experience, my "drive" has been smooth.  It certainly felt like I was driving through some torrential rain at times, made me pull off to the side of the road, question if this was the road I wanted to continue pursuing.  Sitting on the side of the road during torrential rain gives you some time to collect thoughts, mutter some frustrations, sing to some songs on the radio, appreciate the rain and its benefits and sometimes wish the rain would just pass already so one could get to sunnier skies.  That's exactly what I did with the Lord; there were times of praise, frustrations and just begging Him to move me on to something else.

Needless to say, I learned some importance lessons in those downpours. I learned the Lord loves  to hear from me. I learned patience not only with myself, but with people.  I learned the Lord walks with me whether I invite Him next to me or not.  He is so faithful.

After finishing my work at the hospital in preparation for traveling to the Mercy Ship, I'd say my road trip has been pleasant. Fundraising was great, the Lord answered with abundant support.  I got to spend quality time with my sister and her boyfriend, tend to my garden, pickle cucumbers for the first time, I participated in one of my best friend's wedding- I've had it great waiting in anticipation for my new and thrilling next adventure.

My sunny skies and clear road haven't gone away, but I've proceeded to a segment of road where there's a canyon. The only way to cross the canyon is by bridge, and in my current situation the bridge has been destroyed.  I'm not starting with Mercy Ships as previously planned.  Don't get me wrong, the view still remains beautiful, but now I am faced with the frustrating situation of figuring my way over the canyon, and I am frantic. Looking up to the Lord I don't know if He will rebuild this bridge, if my car is going to sprout wings and I'll soar over the canyon or whether He's just waiting for me to calm down long enough to tell me there's a plane He's hidden in the woods for me to use.

The Lord recently answered one of my questions I had begged of Him with "Just wait." But how true does that ring to my current aggravation? It's like He knew I would be asking Him again "What do I do right now?"  God's sense of humor gets me every time, what a knee slapper.

There are a lot of things I was looking forward to leaving in Virginia at the end of August. New and old struggles, some things I would like time apart from. But my plan of peacefully crossing the bridge is gone, I need the Lord to dictate what's next. I need the Lord to purpose my days until I get to leave. I need the Lord to provide for me financially again until I leave, I need more patience for the struggles that I'm facing emotionally, I need to trust that I'll be okay today, because Daddy has already figured out all those answers.

The day before I received the news I wouldn't be leaving according to plan, a special friend gave me a verse the Lord had put on their heart regarding another trying situation that had happened. Helping me realize the Lord's presence in my life Hosea 2:14 says "I want to draw Emily away and speak tenderly to her. I want to call her out of her woundedness and restore her heart. (obviously a little adapted)"  In addition they also gave me Psalm 40:2,3 "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, and hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in The Lord."

I'm quieted when I realize the kind of Dad I am in the presence of. He knows how bad I want to get across the canyon, but I'm believing He has more in store for me as I work with Him and learn His ways through the plan He has already set in motion. He took me to Proverbs 15 today and it says in vs 32 "If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding."

Needless to say, He's got my attention, I'm ready to learn and be refined.

Starting the journey

     While spending time in quiet prayer one morning about a month ago, I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to journal to the question "Why am I going on Mercy Ships?" I realized I had been talking to a lot of people about this exciting new time in my life, and I was getting so passionate about explaining everything Mercy Ships does, how impressive the ship is, and the types of things I would be doing while working on the ship- all good things mind you, but I never really got to the heart of why I, Emily, was going on this adventure or what the Lord was stirring in my heart. This is was my response to my question the Holy Spirit prompted at such a vital time.

     "I love to help people. (Don't worry, that's not my whole answer)

     There are so many people that can't help themselves in Africa, they don't have the finances to, let alone the resources.
     Jesus helped me when I could not help myself. He came to earth as God in human form to die for people who scorned Him. Yet He went through it anyway. He died, defeated death, rose up and made a way for us to have eternal life.
     Mercy Ships is a small way to show a similar grace to these people in Benin. They don't have any other way out of their disease or deformity. They are at the mercy of doctors who have made it possible for them to be cured or treated and there's no way they could ever repay them monetarily in this world.
     That is mercy and that is grace. I want to serve with Mercy Ships because Jesus' example is personified in what goes on there. It's only by the Lord's will that any of this proceeds, and volunteers can serve and people can be healed. I am excited to go and be in the midst of this physical healing, but more so for the chance to be part of their emotional and spiritual healing. We may not all have physical deformities, but we are all broken and deformed on the inside without Christ. That is where only the Great Physician can bring ultimate full body healing and freedom."

     Since writing this entry, I have approached my chances to talk to people about Mercy Ships differently. My desire is for Christ to be at the center of this journey, and I can only do that if I walk in the center of His will from the very beginning, from today, before I even leave. 

     My heart is in need of some transformation, some humility.  My prayer is to seek justice, love mercy and to walk humbly with my God (Micah 6:8).  I am thankful He never gives up on me, that He remains faithful when I am faithless. I have growing to do, but I can rest peacefully knowing my Daddy is glad to enter into this adventure with me. There is likely to be difficult terrain, dry spells in the wilderness and evils that I never fathomed existed, BUT the Lord is mighty and He is my fortress and He tells me to rest in Him, for He will conquer my enemies and defeat those who try to defeat me. What a Father I get to walk with.