I am a nurse

Finally! It feels good to be able to say that again.  The time and experiences leading up to the hospital opening have been great and beneficial, but finally being able to do what I originally signed up for…it feels right.

That being said, there are many lessons that go into getting back into the nursing swing.  There’s a lot of new learning going on: learning the patient population, paper documentation, Malagasy phrases, where supplies are kept, how to slow down and play with the kids when my Western background is so task focused, relearning compassion in a place where the tendency IS NOT “how much can I abuse my nurse” but, “let me ask for bread and butter because I’m actually starving from traveling 1,000 km to seek help at Mercy Ship because I have nowhere else to turn for the infected burn on my head.”

I’m relearning how to put my trust back into my patients, giving them the benefit of the doubt, because they actually do tell the truth.

After only a week of nursing shifts, I’ve come to realize a struggle, and probably a lie, I am believing.  Yesterday I had a day off and went to the beach with a few people. I got caught up with myself in feeling bad for enjoying my time out.  I think the root of it is I don’t feel as though I am doing much with spreading the gospel to my patients.  I get very task oriented in the wards, but if I’m totally honest, I don’t know how to deliver the gospel here.  I’ve had thoughts of praying at their bedside before they go to sleep, using the Malagasy names for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  Or I’ve thought of bringing a picture of my family to show them and segway into Jesus after that.  I feel like I’m not giving them the full story of Jesus, that I’m not doing this “calling” of mine, justice.  I struggle with being satisfied in doing my job well, and being satisfied in acting on the nudges I get from the Holy Spirit.  I struggle to realize this is a “big picture” story.  I know the whole burden of their salvation does not land on my shoulders.  I shouldn’t neglect or let pass up any opportunities to share Jesus, but not be defeated because I’m not shoving Jesus at them.  I think the biggest anxiety that has popped up is fast forwarding to when I’m leaving the ship, looking back and feeling like “what did I really accomplish” and feeling empty.

I really want to get my “works” to the forefront as something to show for being on Mercy Ships.  But it’s not clicking because it 1. It’s not scriptural; “by grace you have been saved…not by works so that no one can boast” and 2. Jesus says in Matthew 9:13 “I desire mercy, not sacrifice.”

So I struggle with the question “what does putting mercy at the forefront of this time look like?” I’m on Mercy Ships for Pete’s sake.  How or what does that look like here? How do I know if I’m on the right track?  I asked the Lord this question last night in the quiet back corner of our library- I was craving a quiet place in private with Him.  I looked up at the bookshelf in front of me and saw the “MacArthur Bible commentary” bible right in front of me. So I picked it up and started studying the phrase that I was stuck on in Matthew 9 “I desire mercy, not sacrifice.”  Jesus quoted this from Hosea 6; Israel had been broken and injured by the Lord because of their way of living, but the Lord promised to heal and bind up their wounds. God is in the business of reviving and restoring.  God just wants Israel to acknowledge Him, press on in acknowledging Him, have faith He will appear and not love Him like the morning mist or early dew that disappears (paraphrased Hosea 6:3-4).

Amongst several minutes of struggling I also turned to Psalm 51:16, 17 “You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

Then MacArthur said “Ritual without genuine repentance is useless.”

Then it clicked.

I am here because I grasp the enormity of the gift that is offered to me through Christ’s death.  I want nothing more than to live in a humble posture before the Lord, in complete submission with my life, my words and my actions in order that God’s glory be shown through my life and me as a vessel.

A life of repentance looks like this.  I’m standing, I have a huge rubber band strapped around my waist, connected to the world; connected to its lies, to my flesh that fights to cause me to sin.  Repentance is taking a step in the opposite direction of the world and toward God.  With each step, that rubber band gets tauter and threatens to drag me back toward the world, but walking with the Lord give me strength for each step.  Walking with Him, we already belong to Him, it’s just how tight am I willing the make that rubber band- repentance is a lifelong thing.  I slip sometimes, and that’s okay, but as followers, we will never snap back completely to the world, we can’t, the Holy Spirit acts as a wall, standing as a permanent barrier between us and who we used to be.  It’s recognizing when our feet are losing traction and realigning our eyes on our end goal.  As that band gets tighter, its pull toward the world becomes more and more noticeable, manifested through doubting God, looking to myself for control, becoming anxious when I look at the enormity of the task I have been faced with in Madagascar.   But the tauter the band gets, that means I am that much closer to the Lord than the world.  I know Him better than I know the world, I live in His presence instead of allowing the world’s voice to be louder.  It is that much more vital that my time with the Lord is set apart, that I pray with fervor and ask questions and remain in Scripture- all things the world influences me not to do. 

So I have recognized my feet threatening to slip, I have realigned my eyes not on my own feet, but the Lord.  I take heart in knowing the One who pilots me through places I don’t know how to navigate, and remain in a place of repentance before the Lord.  

The Lord timed a country briefing perfectly for last night, titled, "Living Internationally in Madagascar." Our speaker talked about living "incarnationally"; living in Madagascar as people who are doers and speakers of the Word, making the Word flesh.  She touched on the simplicity of what striving to love and be a part of this nation does for the people, and at the same time how our love, rooted in Christ is what speaks.  She specifically touched on the disadvantage of the "foray" type of evangelizing- a quick sudden attack of the gospel and expecting immediate transformation- exactly what I was believing I was supposed to be doing.

The Lord is speaking truth into this lie I have believed.  I have uttered it out loud to friends, so there has already been so much freedom.  But especially after our speaker last night, I feel settled. There are definitely times where a bold presentation of the gospel is warranted.  For me, living in Madagascar for 6 months, I want these people to learn I am their sister in Christ, not a foreigner come to fix them and leave.  Oh, the peace that surpasses all understanding.  I believe the Lord will do this.  His army is mobilizing and we are motivated.