Sobered

My sister got engaged last weekend! What the WHAT!? Little sister isn’t so little anymore.

Though I have known this was going to happen since November, I’ve had to keep my mouth shut until now.  My soon to be bro-in-law has been so sensitive through this whole process, knowing how terribly I wanted to be present for the big day.  Before I left for Cape Town I had specifically asked him if he was planning on proposing before I got back, figuring I could mentally prepare myself either way.  At that moment in time in October, it wasn’t on his radar for anytime soon- I was in the clear.  Within the span of a month many things changed.  Sean got a job, life started moving forward, and he needed his lady at his side- the next chapter was here and I was in Madagascar. 

The night Sean asked my blessing to marry my sister, I thought my heart was going to come out of my mouth.  I knew it was so right, but I was so sad.  I took it immediately to the Lord, asked Him to speak life and hope as only He could to comfort me.  

Things went quiet for the next month or so. I was helping Sean pick out the ring based on conversations with Linds and rings she had tried on with me.  By the end of December, he had the ring.

Once the new year came, everything moved pretty fast.  Mom and Dad gave their blessing, the place and time was set, and the after party was planned.

Days leading up to the engagement I was working night shift on the ship.  The night of the engagement I was on night 3 of 4.  It worked out though, because my friends on the ship all offered support leading up to it, hugs, my roommate started my night shift for me, because Linds literally called me minutes before my shift was supposed to start.

The day of, I was an emotional mess, but blessings were peaking through nonetheless.  It was a Sunday, and every Sunday I meet with several women on the ship for what we call Love Dinner.  This was perfectly timed because they encouraged me to enter into those feelings of bittersweet joy and sorrow as they prayed over me.  Then we had church, where my favorite chaplain was preaching.  She reminded me of the fatherly qualities my Father possesses, and returning to the root of who He is as Dad.  I was in tears the whole time.  My emotions were rising; toward the end of church, I realized I was in the moments leading up to Sean proposing on the other half of the world, and my poor body didn’t know what it wanted.  I was anxious, panicky, sad, angry, happy, annoyed, irritated, selfish…I had to try to remain in the presence of the only One who could comfort me the way I needed it because nothing else could.

In those moments during church, the Lord put on my heart “immeasurably more,” reminding me of the infinite capacity He has to do anything and everything He wants and that He works all things for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  I recognized I’m included in that group.

As soon as I saw Linds on my phone, I lost it.  The engagement was perfect, like I said, tears were everywhere, I got to talk to Linds right after it happen, then Facetime in for the surprise engagement, have my other sister read a toast I had prepared.  For the cards we were dealt, it was as perfect as it could be, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

My guest appearance on Dad's phone!

Night shift was not kind to me the coming day, I was woken up by the deck crew banging on something below me, I didn’t sleep well and I was throwing a pity party for one.  I was sad that I was so far away from family.  I was upset that I was tired, I didn’t feel like being in Madagascar anymore.  I was mad at myself for even thinking these things especially after how long I have waited to get here. Ugly ugly cycle, especially on night shift brain. 

I read this that next night after the engagement.  It’s a prayer from the book Valley of Vision, a collection of beautiful Puritan prayers that a great friend gave me for my birthday a few years back. This is an excerpt from the prayer “Year’s End.”

"…Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;

I hoist sail and draw up anchor,

With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.

I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.

If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,

thou wilt be with me in them;

If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,

I shall not drown;

If I am to die,

I shall see thy face the sooner;

If a painful end is to be my lot,

grant me grace that my faith fail not;

If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,

I can make no stipulation;

Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,

as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use. " (italics added by me)

I had been praying all day for something to knock me back on course.  I could sense I had lost my luster for my time here and I didn’t know what I needed, but God did.  I read this prayer and immediately felt sobered.

God doesn’t promise me another day other than the one I’m living right now.  He doesn’t have to wake me up in the morning, give me breath, and thoughts, and control of my muscles to get out of bed, but today He chose to give that to me.  Even though I woke up with very different intentions, He did not withhold this day from me.   I was brought to a state of repentance as soon as I read those words.  I was sorry that I ever took for granted the gift of this day, of each day in this life for that matter.  I recognized I don’t have to make it through the rest of this field service, even the rest of this year; the Lord could take me tomorrow.  He knows how much my heart hurts not to be with my sister and my family during this exciting time.  But He also knows what He’s doing by keeping me here. 

So I’m faced with a question each day from here on out.  “Am I going to spend this day questioning God why I’m not home with the people and friends I want to be with right now, or am I going to deny my flesh and look at what the Lord wants to show me today?”  Remember, I am loved and cherished and an heir of Christ from the moment I wake up because I've accepted Him in my heart.  There’s nothing I can do to be snatched from my Father’s hand.  He’s got things He wants to tell me, but I have to do my part in abiding in Him.  He can and will do immeasurably more in celebrating my sister’s engagement when I get back, immeasurably more in my time remaining in Madagascar, immeasurably more in my singleness, but it’s foolish to worship the prospects of these things and not the Giver.  I haven’t been forgotten just because I am away from Virginia.  The Lord sees me today, he tells me He will never leave me or forsake me, He is my Helper and in Him I can take refuge.

Let’s just say I’ve been doing a lot of self talk reminders lately.  It’s a good place, He’s comforting me, He’s bringing peace.  There’s been more rejoicing in the morning and less sorrow.

Loneliness and finding my identity

The Lord has slowly been revealing the finicky state of my heart.  As the new plastics specialty is starting and we’re getting more patients in the hospital, I thought my attitude and feeling of “purpose” would improve along with it.  That has not been the case.  I’ve continued to feel an undeniable sense of lack of purpose.  I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t familiar with plastics, I thought it was because I’ve only had 2-3 patients per shift, but that also wasn’t it.

A few days ago when I was asked, “What do you need here?” in the context of, “so I can better love my community on the ship and in Madagascar,” I found I was a little reluctant to answer.  I had been struggling for several weeks to name this “need,” but instead, called myself ungrateful for this opportunity and tried to pray this feeling away and realign with the Lord.  The truth I found after my conversation was that I desire someone to know me deeply and to feel purposed again. 

Since friends have left a few weeks ago, I’m finding I feel their absence so much greater now than the initial goodbye. This friend that left the ship knew me on the level that my family does.  She was my person that made home feel closer than halfway across the world.  With her gone, I have struggled with feeling “known” in this place, and in turn feel jaded and reluctant to socialize as often as I would have before this friend left. When I felt like someone knew me on that deeper, intimate level, it energized and enabled to me to be able to pour out love and attention to other people on the ship I might not have known as well. With her gone, I feel more empty in that area.  I can call that feeling- loneliness.

Then comes my frustration with lack of purpose again. 

I realized how much of an American I am when someone called me out on this one.  In less than a few minutes of explaining my predicament, this women called it.  She said “Are you sure you aren’t finding your identity in your job as a nurse on the ship?”

What? No of course not. ... Okay, maybe I am. … Wow, that’s exactly what I’m doing. …Bingo.

Us Westerners put a lot of stock in our careers, our jobs, our ability to advance and remain challenged in those areas.  Completing tasks consumes our lives.  To a degree, America tells us it defines our worth- how busy can you stay, how much can you get done in one day? 

Coming to Mercy Ships, that sentiment came with me.  I think during orthopedics, this feeling was masked because everything was so new- thus I was being challenged, I had purpose.

So what I’ve learned from this wise woman who so gently guided me to the truth in the matter: at my core I am deeply loved, I am called the righteousness of God, I am an heir with Christ, I have inherited every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms, I am wonderfully made, I am a masterpiece… all before I have done any work for the Kingdom of God. All of these things can be declared true at the time I was created back before the world was even a molecule, because it was at that time I was chosen to be God’s daughter.  Though I wouldn’t know Him until I was 18 years old, I was loved and cherished.  Though I would come to Mercy Ships and have days that I would sit in the café and read a book all day, maybe not even talk to anyone, I started that day already loved; not because of anything I’ve ever done or ever will do for the Kingdom, all because I am who He tells me I am.

So before I accomplish anything as a nurse here, whether I save a life today or color pictures for a whole 8 hours, I am special and purposed and loved.  My actions here don’t justify what Christ did for me, and I don’t have to perform a certain way to justify my time here either.  I was justified the day Christ died for me, before I accomplished anything, before I knew Him as my Father, before I graduated nursing school…all of it.  My identity lies first in Christ, and all other things fall into place.  He knows my prayer to remain in the center of His will.  So it’s okay when I have days I don’t even set foot in the hospital, it’s okay when I have days that I just feel like watching a movie, and it’s okay when I have good or bad shifts in the hospital.  I am taking my title as “nurse” off its pedestal and replacing it with “belonging to Christ.”  

Bringing this full circle, God knows I desire to be known deeply by a friend here.  He’s teaching me other things in the meantime, but my identity does not lie in another person either.  I don’t believe God is calling me to walk through this time or this life standing on Him and not use the community He’s placed on the ship.  We’re just rewinding a little bit, we’re redefining a few things that I’ve let slip.