Loneliness and finding my identity

The Lord has slowly been revealing the finicky state of my heart.  As the new plastics specialty is starting and we’re getting more patients in the hospital, I thought my attitude and feeling of “purpose” would improve along with it.  That has not been the case.  I’ve continued to feel an undeniable sense of lack of purpose.  I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t familiar with plastics, I thought it was because I’ve only had 2-3 patients per shift, but that also wasn’t it.

A few days ago when I was asked, “What do you need here?” in the context of, “so I can better love my community on the ship and in Madagascar,” I found I was a little reluctant to answer.  I had been struggling for several weeks to name this “need,” but instead, called myself ungrateful for this opportunity and tried to pray this feeling away and realign with the Lord.  The truth I found after my conversation was that I desire someone to know me deeply and to feel purposed again. 

Since friends have left a few weeks ago, I’m finding I feel their absence so much greater now than the initial goodbye. This friend that left the ship knew me on the level that my family does.  She was my person that made home feel closer than halfway across the world.  With her gone, I have struggled with feeling “known” in this place, and in turn feel jaded and reluctant to socialize as often as I would have before this friend left. When I felt like someone knew me on that deeper, intimate level, it energized and enabled to me to be able to pour out love and attention to other people on the ship I might not have known as well. With her gone, I feel more empty in that area.  I can call that feeling- loneliness.

Then comes my frustration with lack of purpose again. 

I realized how much of an American I am when someone called me out on this one.  In less than a few minutes of explaining my predicament, this women called it.  She said “Are you sure you aren’t finding your identity in your job as a nurse on the ship?”

What? No of course not. ... Okay, maybe I am. … Wow, that’s exactly what I’m doing. …Bingo.

Us Westerners put a lot of stock in our careers, our jobs, our ability to advance and remain challenged in those areas.  Completing tasks consumes our lives.  To a degree, America tells us it defines our worth- how busy can you stay, how much can you get done in one day? 

Coming to Mercy Ships, that sentiment came with me.  I think during orthopedics, this feeling was masked because everything was so new- thus I was being challenged, I had purpose.

So what I’ve learned from this wise woman who so gently guided me to the truth in the matter: at my core I am deeply loved, I am called the righteousness of God, I am an heir with Christ, I have inherited every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms, I am wonderfully made, I am a masterpiece… all before I have done any work for the Kingdom of God. All of these things can be declared true at the time I was created back before the world was even a molecule, because it was at that time I was chosen to be God’s daughter.  Though I wouldn’t know Him until I was 18 years old, I was loved and cherished.  Though I would come to Mercy Ships and have days that I would sit in the café and read a book all day, maybe not even talk to anyone, I started that day already loved; not because of anything I’ve ever done or ever will do for the Kingdom, all because I am who He tells me I am.

So before I accomplish anything as a nurse here, whether I save a life today or color pictures for a whole 8 hours, I am special and purposed and loved.  My actions here don’t justify what Christ did for me, and I don’t have to perform a certain way to justify my time here either.  I was justified the day Christ died for me, before I accomplished anything, before I knew Him as my Father, before I graduated nursing school…all of it.  My identity lies first in Christ, and all other things fall into place.  He knows my prayer to remain in the center of His will.  So it’s okay when I have days I don’t even set foot in the hospital, it’s okay when I have days that I just feel like watching a movie, and it’s okay when I have good or bad shifts in the hospital.  I am taking my title as “nurse” off its pedestal and replacing it with “belonging to Christ.”  

Bringing this full circle, God knows I desire to be known deeply by a friend here.  He’s teaching me other things in the meantime, but my identity does not lie in another person either.  I don’t believe God is calling me to walk through this time or this life standing on Him and not use the community He’s placed on the ship.  We’re just rewinding a little bit, we’re redefining a few things that I’ve let slip.